the desperate things you made me do
by jinxfabray
Summary: Pezberry/Quinntana. M for smut and violence later. AU, takes off in 1.01 It's not Finn Mr. Schuester decides to force to join Glee club to please Rachel. It's Santana Lopez, HBIC, Quinn's girlfriend. Rachel's immediately infatuated with her even though she knows she can't compete with the blonde, but Quinn has a secret that will change everything for the three of them.
1. conquer new frontiers

"I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally."

If only she could have imagined the consequences of those words. Standing on stage next to Santana Lopez was definitely not what Rachel had expected to get as a response to her demand, but apparently Mr. Schue thought it was a brilliant idea. Santana didn't, obviously, from the way she was frowning at absolutely everyone around her. It was hard for Rachel to keep still and her heart was pounding so loudly she was scared someone would hear it. This would probably not work out, she hadn't heard the other girl sing not even once in her entire life so she couldn't imagine how she could have any kind of vocal skills, besides the fact that she looked like she was ready to fly away from there the first chance she got. Yet, something about this whole scenario was making her nervous in a very peculiar way, and she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was that seemed to be giving her goosebumps.

The music started playing, and Rachel couldn't stop looking around anxiously. There were way too many things running around in her mind, the most worrying one being how on Earth had Mr. Schue talked Santana into joining them, when clearly she had no desire to be there. Suddenly, her entire body froze. Santana had barely opened her mouth, and the planet had stopped turning just to listen to her with close attention. Now this was something that could match her own talent, Rachel thought to herself, while staring at her in the most blatant of ways. Joining her in the song felt natural, almost organic. This was exactly what she had been waiting for since she was a little girl, someone who could share the spotlight with her instead of living under her shadow. She'd been so busy searching a male counterpart she'd been oblivious to her perfect match who had been right in front of her the whole time. Her entire future was playing out in her mind as she sang along with Santana, how they would take on Broadway and become a famous lesbian couple. Even if she had never thought of herself as such, the sparks that were flowing between her and her future wife were too hard to ignore, and she could accept bisexuality as a new quality of hers. Stars needed to be flexible. Now all she needed was a chance to talk to her, to get her to see how perfect they could be together, and in absolutely no time, Rachel Berry would have the only piece that had been missing from the perfectly put together puzzle that her bright future would be.

Soon enough, the oportunity presented itself in the shape of a trip to go check out their competition. Standing in line next to her to get a bagel was evidently a work of fate, and Rachel couldn't believe her own luck. This was simply perfect, and she was about to open her mouth to say something along the lines of "You and I should get married", when Santana spoke.

"Stop staring at me, Hobbit."

Rachel quickly looked away, feeling confused and terribly embarrased. She'd let her imagination fly away too far, and had completely forgotten the fact that Santana was and had always been a bully. Her undying love would probably end up changing her for good, but for now, she was going to have to deal with her cruelty and try her best not to feel discouraged by it. Shaking her head to get those feelings away from her, she smiled at Santana widely.

"I'm sorry, Santana, it's just hard to keep myself from looking at you now that I know just how talented you are. I wish I'd know sooner."

Santana didn't seem to be very grateful for her compliment, since she sighed and looked away, shrugging her shoulders. She was modest, too. Rachel felt like pinching her to see if she was real, because she just couldn't be.

"Yeah, well, isn't it just fucking amazing how talented I am. It's being helpful, my talent, getting me stuck in a club full of losers and so far away from my girlfriend, I swear I'm this close to murdering someone. Prison would be far better than this."

Out of that entire sentence, the only thing Rachel had heard was the worst possible one that could have ever come out of Santana's mouth. Girlfriend. She had a girlfriend. She was not aware of that, and it interfered with her plans terribly. That could not be, why did Santana have a girlfriend? She was supposed to be with her and become a star in Broadway while holding her hand and kissing her cheek, not be dating someone else. Her jaw had dropped at hearing the word, so she forced herself to pick it up and managed to mumble out something in response.

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

Her eyes burnt through her skin in both the most terrifying and the most sensual way. No one had ever made her feel like this by simply looking at her before, she was nearly shaking. She felt strangely aroused, yet she also felt the urge to run and hide before Santana did whatever terrible thing she was planning on doing.

"Oh, hobbit. You really do live under a rock, don't you?" Santana laughed loudly, and Rachel thought she couldn't possibly feel any worse than right now. "I'm with Quinn. Quinn Fabray, the amazingly gorgeous head of the Cheerios? That's mine."

She'd been mistaken. This was the worst she could feel. The pride in Santana's eyes, the way she her face had lit up at the mere mention of Quinn's name, the possessiveness of her tone, every little detail about what she had just said seemed to be sticking its own knife into Rachel's hopes and dreams. There were many things she would've done to get this girl, but she simply couldn't think of a way to compete against Quinn Fabray. This was the end for her, and she was going to have to accept it.

But she wouldn't. And soon, she would be glad she hadn't given up, because life was about to take a very strange twist.


	2. wires coming out of your skin

**Author's note: Thank you so much for the reviews and everything, I wasn't expecting it at all! There isn't much going on in this chapter, but it's the first insight at Quinntana's relationship. The next one will be a bumpy one, be prepared.**

* * *

_You've got tears making tracks  
I've got tears that are scared of the facts_

With a loud thump, her locker was shut only a second after she'd pulled her books out of it. If it had happened a millisecond earlier, she was sure she would have lost at least a finger or two, but the look Quinn was giving her didn't leave room for complaints about that. She felt a sting of guilt piercing through her heart, because she'd known this was bound to happen and she hadn't done anything about it. There wasn't much that could be done about the fact that she was now a loser who sang showtunes, but she could've told Quinn herself and maybe it would have softened the blow.

Telling her she'd been forced to join would have been the worst choice. Being the perfect student she was, in a heartbeat her girlfriend would have been in the principal's office telling him all about Mr. Schue's corrupt ways of getting students to join his club, and then someone might have decided to check if it was true that Santana had never had any weed stashed in her locker. Given the fact that this wasn't entirely correct, she would have found herself in trouble with both the school and Quinn, who would never forgive her for it.

"You're in Glee club."

Apparently, she wouldn't forgive her for this either. The way she said, she might as well have been accusing her of making sandwiches out of dead babies. For some reason she couldn't quite figure out, she was slowly starting to like getting to sing on a stage and having Rachel praise her voice every time she opened up her mouth to say something, so she didn't see why it was so terrible that she'd joined the club. If her own self from two weeks ago had caught her thinking this, she would have slapped her really hard.

"Yeah, well, I figured it would be nice to have some more extracurriculars. For college."

Her shrugging her shoulders was not helping her situation. Quinn looked like she was about to strangle her now, and for an instant, Santana literally feared for her life. Backing up a bit, just to get some distance between them in case she needed to start running, she looked up at her girlfriend and breathed in deeply as she saw her closing her eyes.

"So hanging out with the geeks didn't only turn you into a loser, but now you're a liar too."

She went through the whole sentence before opening her eyes again, and now she didn't look so scary. She looked sad, and Santana felt even worse. The way those hazel eyes were looking at her was hurting her soul, all she wanted to do was throw her arms around her and kiss her all over until she felt better.

"I'm sorry, ok, I just knew you wouldn't be cool with it so I thought maybe... I'd give it a try and if I liked it and decided to stay, then I'd tell you. I didn't want us to have a fight over nothing."

Even if the facts were all wrong, what she'd said had been true. She hadn't wanted them to get into an argument over something as dumb as this, that was indeed the main reason why she hadn't told her anything about it, but now she knew she'd been completely wrong about Quinn. She wasn't mad at her for joining the club, she was mad at her for lying, and she was the lousiest girlfriend in the whole world. Quinn wouldn't have ever been mad at her if she'd simply told her she was joining because she felt like it. That would have been a lie as well, but she wouldn't have had a chance to realize it, and they would have been perfectly fine instead of having their eyes filled with tears and their fists clenched so tightly it hurt.

"I don't know why on Earth you thought joining Loserville was something you wanted to experience, but you could've at least given me a warning before doing it. Don't you think I have the right to decide if I want to keep on dating someone who hangs out with Man-Hands and that weird Asian girl?"

Santana couldn't repress a smirk, and somehow gathered the courage to take a step forward and reach out to grab her hand.

"I'm really sorry. But I know you're not dating me because of which clubs I'm in, you're dating me because I'm hot."

The way Quinn smiled at her gave her some hope, maybe it wouldn't end in the fight she'd been so desperately trying to keep from happening.

"It's okay. I'll forgive you for lying if you quit. After everything I've given up on for you, you can't deny me this one little thing."

With an even wider smile, Quinn gave her a quick peck on the lips and then turned and walked away from her, leaving a very distressed Santana behind her. Five lockers away, Rachel had been a silent witness to the whole scene. Outraged at Quinn's ultimatum, she walked up to Santana and put a hand on her shoulder.

"She can't threaten you like that, you should be able to do what you want to do."

Santana raised an eyebrow at her. So far, she'd put up with Rachel because she kept on complimenting everything about her and there was nothing she liked better than someone who fed her ego, but this was different.

"What I want to do is Quinn. Stay out of it, hobbit."

As she watched her nearly running after her girlfriend, Rachel felt very, very small. But there was something else. She'd become an expert in Santana's voice lately, and there had been something off in the way she'd spoken to her, something that hadn't been as cruel as it should've, and more like she was scared. It hadn't surprised her that Quinn had overreacted like that, but she had found quite disturbing the way she had kept on a very menacing tone for most of their brief conversation, only switching to a desperate one when she'd called Santana a liar. The atmosphere had grown so thick she could have cut through it with scissors and the only thing that remained clear to Rachel was that she had to find out what was going on, even if she was aware she should know better than to get involved in other people's relationships. But staying on the sidelines and watching the girl she was pining after in such a chaotic mess like her relationship Quinn seemed to be was not an option, so she pushed the sensible part of herself far away, and took out her phone. Desperate times called for desperate measures.


	3. save a secret for the moon pt 1

**A/N: I wanted to keep all my chapter the same length, so I had to cut this one in halves. Hope you enjoy it!**

There was definitely a change in the weather that morning, everyone in the school could sense it, and they all knew it was Rachel Berry's doing. All the hard work she and Kurt had put into her little make over had been definitely worth it, since absolutely everyone who had come across her that day had turned to stare as she walked by. So far, the only thing that had stopped her from actually making a move on Santana, besides the fact that she seemed to hate her most of the time, had been her relationship with Quinn. She would be many things in her life, but she didn't want to be a homewrecker, and if they were happy together she shouldn't intrude. But she'd witnessed them fighting, she'd seen Santana more upset than ever, and she'd sat through the sad, angsty song she'd chosen for that week's Glee assignment. Clearly, that relationship was going nowhere and it was being painful for everyone involved in it, so something needed to be done and she would be more than pleased to be the one who did it.

She was feeling more out of her skin than ever, uncomfortable and itching all over, in a new dress that showed off her long, long legs and with more make up than she'd ever worn in her entire life, walking down the hallways with the hope of running into Santana without being too obvious about it. The school wasn't so big, so it was only a matter of time. The first time their paths crossed, Rachel pretended not to see her and walked right by her, feeling her gaze burning the back of her head. She was dying to turn around and see exactly what she looked like, if she was surprised in a good way, or if she was laughing at her as usual, but the plan had been carefully made and she would stick to it. The second time, there was no wondering how Santana felt about this new look of hers. She was walking straight to her locker with a very determined look on her face, and Rachel could feel her knees begin to tremble.

"Hey, Berry."

Not her first name, but at least it wasn't an insult, so that was an improvement for sure. Rachel smiled at her trying to look confident, and hoping she wouldn't notice how everything inside her was shaking out of control.

"Hi, Santana."

The inevitable silence that fell between them was somewhat awkward, but Rachel was too distracted by the way Santana seemed to be eating her with her eyes to worry about that. She could already feel her heart beating out of her chest, like she always did when she was around the Cheerio, but the way she was looking at her was doing something else to her as well. It was a brand new thing, the heat she felt between her legs, and it was interfering with her plan, since it was impossible to look careless now that she was finally discovering what it meant to be turned on.

"I need practice for my next Glee... thing. Think you can help me out with it?"

Rachel's eyes went wide open as she gaped at her. That was the plan, exactly, but she was the one who had been supposed to invite her over. Just as she was starting to think her plan would never succeed since she couldn't bring herself to ask, Santana had done it herself. This was nothing like she'd expected it to be, it was a thousand times better. Now all she had to do was find a way for her body to come back to life and stop shivering.

"Of course. You can come over to my place, if you want to. Maybe tonight?"

Santana nodded, with a smirk curving up her lips that had Rachel wanting to scream. She'd wanted to have her so that they could grow old together, loving each other and singing show tunes until the became more famous than Barbra herself, and now she couldn't remember any of those things. Now all she wanted was to literally have her, even if she had no idea how, or what that even meant.

* * *

Santana knew she couldn't tell Quinn about what she was doing that evening. As she drove to Rachel's place, an alarm kept going off in her head, because she knew that when her girlfriend found out about this -and she would, because Quinn ran the goddamn school and nothing went unnoticed by her- it would be hell on Earth for her. But something had come over her when she'd seen Rachel that morning, and it hadn't been just lust. Yes, the Hobbit had always had a certain something, and on that particular day she seemed to have figured out what it was and decided to show it off, but it wasn't simply the way her legs went on forever, or that the curve of her hips looked like paradise. No. It was more about the fact that she could tell this was all a call for attention, her attention. Rachel was trying to get her to look, to notice her, and it had been a while since Santana had felt that wanted. So maybe tonight could be harmless. Maybe Rachel would be back in her reindeer sweater, and they would practice some stupid song, and Santana could get some more of the lovely feeling that being wanted was without anything happening and then go back home. To Quinn.

She rang the doorbell and knew right away that wouldn't be the case. Rachel was indeed wearing more regular clothes, but the damaged had been done already. The image of her dressed as provocatively as she'd been that morning had been burned in Santana's brain.

"Come in, Santana. It's nice to see you out of your uniform."

Rachel's shy smile wasn't helping her in any way. How she went from seducing her to being adorable was beyond Santana's understanding. Some time ago, she would have found the girl standing before her pathetic, and extremely lame. But life hadn't been easy on Santana lately, and she'd forgotten what it felt like to have someone look at her so tenderly. She followed Rachel into her house, and they went upstairs, to her bedroom. She was more confused than ever, standing in the center of what looked like a five-year-old's room, so pink and fluffy she felt like puking. Yet, that stupid part of her that wouldn't shut up ever since that morning, the same bit that had forced her to come all the way here, was actually liking it. She was so far away from the world Santana lived in. She sat on her bed, staring at her with her eyes wide open, looking more innocent than ever, and she could tell she was scared. She could almost hear her heart thumping from where she stood. Santana had always despised people like her, but after being in her own skin for so long, she longed to taste something sweet once again. All along, Rachel had kept on yammering about something related to Glee, but Santana was too deep in her own thoughts to pay attention. Her mind had been made up. She wouldn't fight her impulses anymore, not for tonight at least. Without giving it a second thought, she walked up to her and kissed her. Her fingers ran through her hair, pulling her in.

"San-"

Rachel tried to mumble something when she pulled away to catch her breath, but Santana shook her head and put a finger on her lips.

"Please."

There was begging in her voice, and Rachel couldn't help but nod and put her own hands in the back of her head, kissing her once again.


	4. save a secret for the moon pt 2

_save a secret, moon  
_

_in a darkened room_

_write it on a black balloon_

_then watch it fade from view_

Quinn had transferred schools three years ago. Santana was still able to remember the exact day and time at which she'd seen her walking the hallways for the first time, since it had also been the moment in which she'd been forced to come to terms with what up to then had only been a suspicion: she was a lesbian. She'd always been somewhat attracted to girls, finding them prettier than guys and things of that sort, but with Quinn, there was no way of denying it. The first time she'd come up to her to ask for her help with finding her classes, her heart had started running like a wild horse. Right then, she'd seen the golden cross she wore around her neck and she'd known she was hopeless, yet she'd devoted herself to becoming her friend despite of that. If she couldn't have what she wanted, she would take the next best thing.

For two years, Santana had stuck to her plan. Quinn and her had become close friends, doing everything together and sharing everything with each other, until one day, she couldn't take it anymore. Her crush on her had transformed into something else entirely, and even if she wouldn't admit it to herself, deep down she knew she'd fallen in love. It was hard, it hurt that she had to keep quiet about it, and having to share a bed with the girl she loved during their weekly sleepovers was slowly driving her insane. So one day, she'd acted on her feelings, aware of the fact that she was risking her relationship with the best friend she'd ever made. To her surprise, Quinn had kissed her back.

Her own reaction had surprised Quinn as well, and she would never forget the look on her face as she'd pulled away. She was the prettiest girl she'd ever seen, but right then, she'd looked like angels would if they were real. Her eyes had been wide open, and she'd given her a shy smile that had melted Santana's heart.

"What was that for?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

Quinn had mumbled those last words before kissing her again, and it had been the beginning of something wonderful. They had started sneaking around, while Santana waited patiently for Quinn to figure it all out. It had been far from easy for her, given her Christian upbringing, but after some time, she had found her answer, and it had scared the crap out of Santana at first.

"Love is love."

It had been simple and true, but she had felt like love was a really big word that shouldn't be thrown around like that. But her fear hadn't lasted long, because Quinn had been really easy to love bac then. She was fierce and a bitch when she wanted to, but when they were alone, she was the sweetest girl she'd ever seen, innocent and scared of everything that was going on between them, but willing to give it a try. Their relationship had been heavenly at first. They'd been in love, happy, and Quinn had been always incredibly calm about everything. From the very first conversation they'd had about their relationship, she'd set one thing straight: just because she was gay didn't mean she could just start committing sins left and right, so until they found a way to get properly married, she was staying a virgin.

* * *

Santana put her hands on Rachel's shoulders and pushed her back onto the bed, climbing on top of her. She pulled away from their kiss in order to look at her. Her face was blushed, and there were many emotions clearly written all over her. She was scared, but excited, and she was giving her a shy smile to encourage her to keep going. She looked so innocent, yet so eager to keep on kissing her, and her touch was so tender, so sweet, that the comparison with what she had once had with Quinn was inevitable. The memory of her girlfriend made her jump away from the bed. This was wrong. Even if things were not so good with Quinn, she loved her and didn't want to hurt her.

"I have to go."

Without even glancing back, she picked up her stuff and ran downstairs, leaving a very confused Rachel behind. Getting back into her car, Santana felt a lump in her throat and bit her lip to keep herself from crying. The same thing that had seduced her about Rachel was what was now pushing her away from her, and she had never felt as lost as she did now. Without thinking, she began to drive away from Rachel's house and somehow found herself parking in front of Quinn's tiny apartment. After being kicked out of her house in what had been the worst night of both of their lives, she'd got herself a job and with the help of Santana's family, she'd rented that awful place and had been forced to be contented with having a roof over her head. She got out of the car and making use of her own spare key, walked right in. Quinn was standing in the kitchen, washing up the dishes.

"What are you doing here? I thought you said you had to stud-"

Santana kissed her before she could finish her sentence, and Quinn kissed her back roughly, her hands roaming over her back immediately. It wasn't soft, or sweet, or any of the things it used to be. The things Rachel's kiss had been. They walked tangled in each other, until they reached the couch and Santana dropped herself on it, pulling her onto her lap as they made out angrily. Quinn kept on biting her lip, and her nails were digging into her back making her ache, so she fought back, tugging at her shirt to pop it open and pinching her nipples. They got hard under her touch, and she pulled away to suck on one of them.

Everything between them had turned like this ever since that disastrous night. Violent, rough, but still passionate. Just not exactly like love used to feel like.

She was still sucking and twirling her tongue around her nipple when she felt two fingers that had found their way under her panties suddenly thrusting into her. Being soaked already helped lessen the pain, but it still made her flinch. She could feel Quinn smirking at her when she started kissing her neck, and it made her both furious and even more wet for her. Pulling away from her breast, she pushed her onto the floor and Quinn fell on her back. Before she could get back on her feet, Santana positioned herself above her and unzipped her jeans, pulling them down along with her panties. She was as soaked as she was, and staring at her with hungry eyes, beautiful as ever. Without saying a single word, she pushed two fingers inside her and began thrusting as fast as she could. Quinn moaned loudly and grabbed her hair, pulling at it and bringing Santana's face closer to her. They kissed sloppily and she kissed her way down her jawline, up to her breasts, and right up to her belly button. Then, she pulled her fingers away and began licking her clit, her tongue tracing patterns around it that made Quinn shriek and scream. Adding one single finger to the motion made her come hard, and Santana sat up licking her lips, half of her body sore and still aching to be touched herself. Quinn sat up too and smirked at her, moving towards her to do her thing, and Santana couldn't help but think the way she was looking at her made her feel many things -scared and horny, mostly, because she never knew what she would come up with- but not one of them was anything like what she had once felt around this very same girl. Nothing remained that felt like love anymore, and yet, neither of them could away from it.


	5. do i deserve this?

_A/N: There's still a lot to develop about Quinn and Santana's relationship, but there is a reason why I tagged this as Pezberry so hold on tight!_

Finding Rachel was easy. She was always rehearsing. Show choir was her life indeed, however crazy that sounded to everyone else, and Santana was starting to understand why. Having so many mixed up feelings bottled up inside her, bursting them out in public was a very tempting idea and she could do so while on stage, through a song, without anyone knowing she actually meant each word she sung, so she wouldn't have to deal with any consequences but the sound of applause. That could be exactly what she needed to do in order to clear her head and get her shit together, so there she was, sitting in the front row waiting for Rachel to finish her rehearsal. It was captivating, the way she connected to every single song as if she was singing words she'd written herself. She got very emotional with all of her solos, and though she'd found it to be somewhat annoying at first, Santana was starting to feel like that herself whenever she watched her perform. She knew perfectly that there was no way Rachel had had so many diverse experiences in the course of such a short life, but it only made the way she seemed to feel everything that came out of her mouth more impressive.

"I wasn't expecting you."

Of course she wasn't. The last time they'd seen each other, Santana had stuck her tongue down her throat and then she'd ran away from her without looking back. She wasn't sure if she could even find the words to apologize for her erratic behaviour, since she couldn't even provide an explanation for it that would make sense to her at all. Looking down at the floor, she shrugged her shoulders.

"I came to start working on a song."

The silence was so heavy she felt suffocated by it. Rachel walked up to her very slowly, and then sat down right next to her. A rush of heat went through Santana's body, but she had absolutely no clue of why or what it meant. Shyly, she looked up to her from underneath her eyelashes, and she found Rachel staring back at her very intently.

"I'm sorry. I know you have a girlfriend and I shouldn't have invited you over, or... done any of the things I did. But I like you, Santana, and I think you like me too, and I just couldn't stand by and watch Quinn walk all over yo-"

Santana put her hand on Rachel's mouth to keep her from going any further. Apparently, she hadn't ever been able to regain control over her body ever since she'd kissed her, so she had no idea what the tear running down her cheek was for. She pulled her hand away, hoping Rachel would stay quiet, and rubbed her eyes with her sleeves.

"I don't understand what's happening. For some reason I feel some strange attraction towards you. I honestly have no idea why, because you're a complete loser and you dress like a four year old with terrible taste in clothes, but I can't focus on figuring out why I feel like that, I have many other problems that need to be dealt with first. Such as Quinn."

She could tell Rachel had felt hurt and had intented to comment on her remarks but she'd ignored it and kept on talking. If she didn't get everything out right then and there, she never would, and bottling stuff up wasn't something she'd ever been good at that. It would eventually lead to her imploding and that would be a mess no one would want to clean up afterwards.

"Why are you here if you need to deal with Quinn?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I need help with a song. This is by far the most stupid thing I've said in my life, but I can't shake the feeling that maybe singing about my issues might help me clear my head. If I want to talk something out with her, I have to know where I stand first if I don't want things to get nasty."

The way Rachel was looking at her, she couldn't even imagine what was going through her head. She'd made Quinn sound like a bully, which she sort of was, but that had never been her intention. However, discussing her relationship with her was definitely not something she wanted to do at the moment, so she decided to look past Rachel's horrified expression.

"Aren't you afraid she might come to your performance and sense that something's wrong if you sing something that relates too much to your current situation?"

"Quinn never comes to see me perform."

Luckily for her, that was. Had she seen her on stage with Rachel, singing love songs while she stared dreamily at her as she always did, she would have given her a slow, painful death. As a matter of fact, she might have murdered her simply by glaring at her in that special ways of hers that burned holes in people's heads. For a while, at the start, Santana had hoped she would eventually show up to hear her sing, but now she'd grown used to the fact that she would always pretend Glee club didn't exist, and it was turning out to be advantageous for her at this instance. After a moment of hesitation, Santana stood up and walked up to the stage. Listening to music had helped her through many tough moments before, now was the moment to take the next step, and start making music herself to finally face up to her demons.

* * *

The moment to show the rest of the club her week's assignment had come. After that first rehearsal, she'd somehow ended up turning her song into a duet with Rachel, after they'd both settled on not speaking about their little incident ever again and focusing only on the song, and Santana was nervous. She couldn't help but feel like this time, she'd put too much of herself in the song choice, and someone might notice. Obviously, she was overreacting. Her last song had been a very heartfelt rendition of Rehab, and she hadn't worried then that someone might think she was talking about herself, so there was no reason to think they would now. The only person other than herself who was aware of the facts behind the lyrics that afternoon was Rachel, and she had sworn not to tell, so Santana was pretty sure only her, Rachel and Kurt knew how cathartic this performance was meant to be for her.

_You push me_  
_I don't have the strength to_  
_Resist or control you_  
_Take me down, take me down_

_You hurt me_  
_But do I deserve this?_  
_You make me so nervous_  
_Calm me down, calm me down_

_Wake you up_  
_In the middle of the night to say_  
_I will never walk away again_  
_I'm never gonna leave this bed, oh_

_So come here_  
_And never leave this place_  
_Perfection of your face_  
_Slows me down, slows me down_

_So fall down_  
_I need you to trust me_  
_Go easy, don't rush me_  
_Help me out, why don't you help me out?_

_So you say "Go, it isn't working"_  
_And I say "No, it isn't perfect"_  
_So I stay instead_  
_I'm never gonna leave this bed_

_Take it, take it all_  
_Take all that I have_  
_I'd give it all away just to get you back_

The stage went dark once they'd finished the song, and there was loud clapping coming from the section where she knew the club was. Behind them, someone stood up, and Santana's heart stopped. Quinn was clapping the loudest, with a proud look on her face and a wide smile curving up her lips.


	6. my body keeps on telling you yes

_You and I go hard_

_At each other like we going to war_

_You and I go rough_

_We keep throwing things and slamming the doors_

_You and I get so_

_Damn dysfunctional we stuck keeping score_

_You and I get sick_

_Yeah I know that we can't do this no more_

It had been so long since Quinn had been this nice to her that Santana couldn't manage to be anything but shocked. For the last couple of days, she had been the best girlfriend on the planet, sweet and always smiling, going to every single Glee club rehearsal and cheering for Santana as if her life depended on it. As much as Santana wanted to believe this was only Quinn going back to what she had once been out of pure goodness, it was hard not to be suspicious about this sudden change of attitude. Deep down, she was convinced this had something to do with Rachel. After all, they had never discussed the night Santana had gone to see her, and her best guess at what could possibly have driven Quinn to have such a drastic change of heard was that she'd found out and she'd got scared of losing her. Even though this wasn't exactly a great scenario for their relationship, a part of her was somewhat enjoying the idea of Quinn being jealous.

She didn't need to be, though. All of Santana's doubts about their relationship had gone away the day she'd seen her standing in the auditorium, clapping for her. She'd been such a fool, thinking Quinn didn't love her as much anymore just because they'd been going through a rough patch, and now she regretted everything she'd done deeply, despite of the fact that it had somehow worked out for the best. She should have never kissed Rachel, and the only remedy to the guilt she felt in her stomach every time the three of them were in a room together would only go away if she told Quinn about everything. Now that she knew she'd been to Berry's house, maybe telling her about the kiss wouldn't be so hard. She'd forgiven her for the first thing, the second one would be a little tougher but now that they were on such good terms, Santana felt like they could get through anything together. She felt invincible.

Until she saw Quinn walking towards her. It was the second time that month she saw her looking that furious, and this time it was even scarier. There was wrath in her expression, and Santana had to fight hard against her own self in order to hold on to the strength she'd felt seconds ago.

"You went to Berry's house?"

Oh. She hadn't found out. Now Santana was very confused, but there was no time for that. Quinn looked as if she might murder an innocent puppy, clenching her fists so tightly it was probably hurting her, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Yes. I went to practice, for Glee club."

Quinn let out a bitter laugh and got even closer to her. She could feel her breathing right on her skin, and even though it was clearly the wrong time for that, something about the whole situation was turning her on a bit. They'd been through stuff like that a lot in the past, and Santana knew pretty well how things would go down, so she didn't pay much attention to her sudden urge of ripping Quinn's clothes off, and instead focused on staying as far away as she could from her.

"You're lying. Again. Did you honestly think I wouldn't find out? Everyone around school has been talking about it, I'm a joke around here thanks to you and that Hobbit of yours. You just couldn't keep it in your pants, could you?"

Quinn's tone of voice had grown louder with each word, and by the end of the sentence she was nearly yelling.

"I-"

Before Santana could even mutter something, she was roughly pushed onto her locker. It took her a second to realize what had happened and get back on her feet, yet she wasn't quick enough to avoid Quinn's hands from grabbing her by her shoulders and pushing her against it once more.

"I gave up everything for you."

She muttered through her teeth, and the pain that was pounding through Santana's head flooded her entire body. Quinn had every right to be upset, she'd hurt her feelings in a terrible way and now she was getting what she deserved, but her survival instinct was stronger and she couldn't keep herself from fighting back when Quinn's hands dug into her skin, so she pushed her away a bit more violently than she'd intended to. Immediately, Quinn was back at her, flinging her against the nearest wall and she would have probably hit her again hadn't she been suddenly grabbed by a teacher. Santana felt hands that picked her up from the floor as well, and before she knew they were both at the principal's office.

Luckily for them, Principal Figgins didn't know much about dealing with teen lesbians, so he'd let them go with a warning. Besides, a single glare for Quinn had been enough for him to realize his life would be in great danger if he dared do anything else. She could be really menacing when she wanted to, and right then she seemed to be determined to be her scariest. Santana followed her into the cheerleaders' locker room, not knowing what to do next. Something was yelling inside her that being alone in a room with her was probably the worst idea ever, but she wanted to clear things up and if she walked away now, she probably wouldn't get another chance. Her mind was racing, and all she could think about was how Quinn had been so devoted merely out of love, and how quick she'd been to blame it on her jealousy. She was a terrible human being, and if Quinn felt like using her as a punching bag, she would let her.

Santana sat on a bench, waiting for Quinn to at least look at her, but she kept on pacing around the room. Eventually, she went to the door and for an instant Santana feared she might walk away, but instead she locked the door. Before she knew it, she was lifting her and pressing her against the wall, kissing her. It felt too familiar, they'd been like this for months now and they were both aware of how messed up it was that they would take their anger out on each other like that, and then blow off the left over steam with rough sex. It was twisted, and it left them feeling used and abused, as if there wasn't an ounce of love left between them, only desperation in the way they held on to each other because they had given up on too much to be together. Santana felt Quinn's fingers tracing their way up her thighs and she closed her eyes to fight back the tears. They'd been falling apart for a long time now, drifting away, and now she'd made it worse by kissing Rachel.

It wasn't until they'd both put their clothes back on that Quinn spoke again, and the words that left her mouth before walking out of the room would make Santana's world fall into pieces around her, leaving her disarmed and helpless, now not only with bruises all over her back, but over her heart as well.

"I did something worse." Quinn said, as she tightened up her pony tail, and though Santana couldn't see her because she had her back turned on her, she could tell from the raspiness in her voice that she was crying. "I'm pregnant."


	7. heart's a mess

_Your heart's a mess_

_You won't admit to it_

_It makes no sense_

_But I'm desperate to connect_

_And you can't live like this_

Rachel had never before seen Santana look as tiny and fragile as she did right now. She'd found her crying in the girls' bathroom, and she'd taken her to the auditorium, which was empty because she'd asked Mr. Schuester if she could have it to herself to rehearse for their current assignment. It had been an hour since that, and she was still crying so hard she couldn't utter a single word. Every time she tried to explain, the only thing she could manage to say was Quinn's name, and Rachel was having a hard time fighting the urge to go find the cheerio and punch her pretty little nose until it bled. But she couldn't leave Santana alone, and she was starting to feel like she wouldn't let her leave either. Her head was buried in her neck, and her arms were holding her so tightly she had to struggle to breathe, but that didn't matter when there was a heart breaking so loudly in front of her.

After a while, Santana's chest was still heaving but she let go of Rachel, and though there were still tears making tracks over her cheeks, she looked as if she was finally done crying. Rachel didn't know what to do, since she couldn't think of a polite way of asking what had happened without causing her to start crying again, so she simply waited until Santana spoke.

"Quinn's pregnant."

Rachel's eyes went wide open, and she took Santana's hand, cluthing it. Now punching her was definitely not an option, yet the only thing she wanted to do for the rest of her life.

"Wha- How?"

Santana let out a bitter laugh, taking out a handkerchief from her jacket's pocket and wiping her tears.

"It wasn't me, I can tell you that much."

Her voice sounded broken and Rachel looked down, wanting to kick herself for asking such a stupid question. So Quinn had cheated on her, with a guy. A part of her was hopeful that that would mean they were done for good and she would get a shot with the girl of her dreams, but it was a really tiny part. Most of her was really worried about Santana and how desperately heartbroken she looked.

"I can't believe she would do that. That's terrible of her, you deserve better, she should've never-"

"You don't know nothing about her."

Santana cut her off immediately, letting her hand go and crossing her arms over her chest. She intended to look mad, but she couldn't be anything but sad. Her arms fell to her sides, and she bit her lip to fight back the tears that were threatening to start falling once again.

"What do you think would happen to you if you came out as a lesbian? Sure, you'd be bullied at school, just like we were. But what your parents do?"

For a moment, Rachel gave it some thought, though she wasn't sure of where she was heading with the question.

"My parents are gay, so I guess they'd be okay with it. They'd probably be glad, actually, because it would mean I can't get pregnant."

As soon as the words left her mouth, Rachel covered it with her hands, realizing of what she'd just said and how she was probably twisting the knife deeper in Santana's wound, but she didn't seem to notice. She was too lost in her thoughts to hear it, luckily for her.

"We'd been dating for months already, but we were sneaking around, no one knew about us. I came out to my family first, it was a bit dramatic, but eventually everyone got used to it and they even complimented me for being so bold. They kept telling me how proud they were of me, and I was so happy that Quinn decided she should do the same too, so we would be able to go out in public and we'd be as happy as we could be. We were very much prepared for the school to turn on us, but we were so popular that we didn't think it would last long. I mean, we pretty much were the biggest bullies around at the time, so no one would mess with us."

Rachel simply nodded as Santana kept on telling her their story, still unsure of why she was talking about it if every word she spoke seemed to break her a bit more.

"Her dad went crazy. Her mother wouldn't even react, she seemed to be numb and all she did was keep on drinking, but her dad... the things he said to her, I had never heard anyone say things so hurtful. To his own daughter, can you imagine? He called her every imaginable name, he told her she would burn in hell for choosing to live in sin, and that he was glad about it because she was scum, an abomination, she deserved nothing but disgrace. It was horrible, I didn't know what to do, and she was crying, and it never seemed to stop. When it did, he told her he wanted her out of the house before the sun came out. Without even speaking, she went up to her room to gather her stuff, and I went out to get us a cab so that we could get away from there as fast as we could. When I got back, I heard her screaming from upstairs. Her mother had passed out on the couch, and her dad was nowhere to be found. I ran as fast as I could."

Santana's entire body was shaking, and her eyes were closed, as if she was seeing the scene in her head, just like a movie. Rachel couldn't bring herself to move, and there tears running down her own cheeks now.

"He couldn't understand why his own baby girl would do something so terrible, so he wanted to help her change her mind. How could she possibly know she was into girls if she'd never been with a man?"

Her voice cracked by the end of the sentence, and Santana looked at Rachel with an agonizing look in her eyes.

"If I hadn't been there... he would've done it. He was already on top of her by the time I got to her room, he was drunk so I managed to kick him away from her. I grabbed her and we left, never looking back. Quinn never said a word about that night, but it changed her. She was never again as sweet and caring as she'd been when I'd first met her. She was... like she is now. Tougher, a fighter, but also very, very hurt and lonely. That very same day, we had sex for the first time, and it was nothing like I'd ever imagined it would be. It was violent. I didn't understand, I didn't know how to handle it because I just couldn't see what was making her that way, until I got it. She's mad, so mad, at the world, at her family, and I was all she had. For better or for worse. I'd brought it upon her, everything that had happened. It was all my fault, I deserved it every time she took it out on me."

Once again, Santana was sobbing and all Rachel could do was hold her, still under the shock of everything she'd heard. She had more mixed feelings than she'd ever had, but the only thing she was sure of was that she needed to help Santana out of the hell she'd been living it.

"It wasn't your fault. I know you think it is, but I'm sure not even Quinn thinks it's your fault. You did nothing wrong, Santana, and you were always, always there for her. You don't deserve anything bad, please don't say that."

Rachel kept on whispering against her ear, and though Santana shook her head at everything she said, she also held her tighter.

"I mean it. You're amazing, and you've been through enough. Maybe the both of you have, and it's time for you two to start over and leave the wounds to heal. You deserve the world, Santana, and you'll get it if you stop punishing yourself for something you didn't do."

Santana's heart was pounding against her chest as if it wanted to escape. The pain was almost unbearable, reliving their story of how things had gone horribly wrong had only made it worse, and she knew there was still a lot to go through. There was a rough path ahead of her, but when she looked up and Rachel wiped away her tears, she felt something inside her she hadn't felt in a long, long time. It was a warm kind of feeling, a tiny one but that seemed to be starting to grow. The look in her face, the way she seemed to be trying to find a way to help her carry her burden, to heal her and make her feel better no matter what it took, it was all reminding her of what it had felt like to be loved. Starting over would be tough, but she was slowly beginning to believe it would be easier if she let Rachel help her along the way.


	8. i'm no superhero

_I loved you with all that's in my power_

_I was used and abused_

_'till I was sweet and sour_

It didn't take more than a simple glance for her to know that Quinn had been crying her eyes out, maybe as much as she had, which made things even harder. She'd been very set on being mean to her, on being completely, brutally honest about all of the times in which she'd hurt her and how she had been able to understand it at first but that it had become too much and she couldn't even bear the sight of her anymore. But now, she couldn't bring herself to speak. Santana was simply standing there, in front of her, unable to even move. Just staring. She was so beautiful, and she looked as delicate a porcelain doll. No matter what happened between them, her heart was still full of love for her, even if she'd been trying hard as hell to make it all go away.

Neither of them said anything. The hallway was empty, fortunately since Quinn's neighbours weren't particularly nice and would have probably enjoyed a good chance of calling them all the nice words they'd dedicated to them over the past few months. Santana had driven all the way there coming up with the best way to say everything she had to say, get it all out of her chest, and now it was pure silence.

Eventually, Quinn stepped back and Santana walked into the apartment, closing the door behind her. It was messier than she'd ever seen it, it looked as if it had been robbed or something, but she knew that wasn't the case, since her room had looked pretty much the same that entire week.

"Q-"

Santana turned around to look at her and maybe start saying something, even if it wasn't what she'd had in mind, but she didn't get a chance. Quinn flung herself into her arms, burying her head in her the crook of her neck as she sobbed uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry, San, I'm just... so so sorry. I've fucked everything up."

She kept on saying the same things over and over again, and Santana's heart couldn't take it anymore. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she held her tighter. It had been a week since Quinn had told her she was pregnant, and she'd been surprisingly calm about it, but now she knew it had only been out of numbness. The feelings she'd pushed back were coming down on her all over again and every tiny piece of her was broken and aching.

"It's okay."

She mumbled, running her fingers through her blonde hair. Quinn pressed against her chest like that was such a familiar feeling, it had been her only home for so long she couldn't help being terrified of a future without it.

"No, it's not."

Wiping her tears with the back of her hand, Quinn pulled away from her and she sat down on the couch, gesturing for her to do the same.

"I'm sorry, San. I shouldn't... there are so many things I shouldn't have done. I've been cruel to the person I love the most in the world, and I will never be able to forgive myself for it."

"No, Q, you..."

"Please."

Quinn was begging her, and Santana held her hand, squeezing it. This was really the end. It had been over the moment she'd kissed Rachel, she knew that now, and it probably should have been over from long before that, but none of them had been brave enough to face the pain of losing one another, even if it meant leaving behind the pain that staying together was causing both of them.

"It wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry I've led you to believe that for so long, but it wasn't, I fell in love with you and I chose to let everything go and hold on to that. And then I destroyed that too, by taking all of my pain out on you."

She was being so clear and so honest, saying all the things Santana had thought of telling her but hadn't had the strength to. And yet, she couldn't shake the feeling off her that she was lying. She'd been the one who'd caused it all, even if Quinn's regrets for what she'd done were now making her say otherwise.

"I love you."

Her voice didn't feel as if it was coming out of her body, it felt foreign, and she wasn't sure she even understood the words she was speaking.

"I was so in love with you. But you... you broke me."

The look in Quinn's face made her instantly regret having said that, even if it was the absolute truth. She'd winced, as if she'd been slapped across the face, and though she wanted to do something to make the pained look go away, it felt as if they were far, far away from each other.

"I was hurt. And lost. And desperate."

"You made me desperate too."

The words kept on flowing out of her mouth without Santana having any control over them. Her first impulse when she'd seen Quinn like this had been to let everything go, forgive her and go back to dedicating her every second to try and make her happy. But slowly her head was gaining territory, and the memories of everything they'd been through were making her harsher and more decided. Just because she'd seen the light and was apologizing didn't mean the agony she'd been put through was gone.

"Who is he?"

She asked, letting go of Quinn's hand.

"Puck."

The knife sank even deeper into her heart. So she'd cheated on her with her best friend.

"Oh."

"I'm so sorry, San. I don't know what came over me, I was so mad at you, at everyone, and he was there and..."

"I have to go."

Santana stood up, starting to walk towards the door without even looking at her. She couldn't bear the sight of Quinn anymore, it was too painful and too confusing to have her heart and her mind fighting for power over her like that.

"But just so we're clear, we're done. For good."


End file.
